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Young revert living the cutie life while trying to keep her heart as soft as possible, iA.

My Hidden Disability ♿♿♿

I think I've mentioned it in passing in past posts, the only one I can remember off the top of my head is my review of The Cozy Lounge, but the truth is that I have a mostly unheard of foot disorder that affects not only my feet, but also my legs and now, my ankles too. Unlike other disorders I've heard of, it doesn't have a "cool" or "medical-sounding" name, but instead has one that unfortunately, seems to make people underestimate the severity of its effects on me and my overall quality of life. The main problem that I'm currently facing is that it's a progressive disorder that only gets worse the older you get, something that is having a bigger and bigger effect on me and my life in general. 

What's the name of this foot disorder? And what effects does it have on me and my life? 
One of my earliest memories are of my dad making me sit on the floor while he pulled on each of my toes, while I would get upset and tell him to stop (something that never happened). Another thing I distinctly remember is my family always joking and making fun of my feet and how unusual and funny-looking they were, one of my brothers would later go on to say I had "hobbit feet", this was how weird he felt my feet were. Despite all this, it took me years before I finally realised that I didn't just have slightly wonky feet, but an actual foot disorder, but when I asked my parents what exactly I had, they were at as much of a loss as I was. All they knew was my pediatrician had told them that my feet were very abnormal and that they believed I might need foot surgery to fix them, something my parents were staunchly against since they believed it would potentially cripple me. 

I did a lot of research and after many months, I finally figured out what I had: curly toes. 

Now, like I said, the name didn't sound too intense, but when I looked into it even more, and read about how it manifested and effected people, mostly children since most parents choose to get the surgery to correct the problem, I knew that I had found the answer I'd been looking for. 

What does 'curly toes' mean? To put it plain and simple: two of my toes on each of my feet curl under my toes and when I wear close toed shoes, it causes my toes to be pushed even further under until I can end up partly standing on and walking on them. Something that is as painful as you could imagine, although if I'm being honest, it's something I've lived with all of my life so I don't really notice it that much anymore. Another consequence of my feet not acting correctly is to that my feet are partially bowed and I can't really balance and tend to bump into and knock things over when I walk. I can be standing at work and then, all of a sudden, for whatever reason, I'll lose my balance and almost fall over before catching myself. The second thing that I really dislike is that I get very bad calluses on my two toes on the end (the ones effected) as well as on the sides of my feet and heels from the shoes rubbing against my skin. 

Over the years, I've noticed my legs getting progressively weaker and tiring easier as my toes curl more and more, and it's gotten to the point where I can't walk too long without my legs giving out and needing to sit down and rest. The main problem seems to be that my feet aren't equally affected, so one leg is stronger than the other and is responsible for most of my movement while the other one is mostly there for balance (not that it's always effective lol). For the last six or seven months, I've had to wear memory foam sandals around the house just to be able to get around comfortably and with as little pain as possible. Very recently, I got up late to get a snack and my dad saw me walk without my sandals and was shocked at what he noticed: my ankles were now beginning to twist and my weaker leg was so much more effected that my foot almost resembles a club foot.    

So what's next? If I'm being entirely honest, I really don't know. While there is  a surgery to fix the curling of the toes, I don't know if I'll get it done since it involves making an incision in the foot and cutting the tendon that is believed to cause the curl. I think it I was younger, it would be an easier decision to make, but since I'm in my late twenties and my job requires me to stand for my entire shift, I really don't know if it's an option for me. All I can do for now is to look more into the surgery and side effects and make dua while I try to make a very difficult decision that will massively effect the rest of my life and I ask that you make dua for me as well. 

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