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Young revert living the cutie life while trying to keep her heart as soft as possible, iA.

Did I convert for love?

Despite being muslim for almost four years, this is still something people (both muslim and non-muslim) continually ask/assume about me and it drives me mad. For one: I was muslim for two years before me and my Darling became a couple, and second, how does anyone actually have the nerve to say something like this to someone else? Like, didn't your parents teach you manners? Or at least how to shut the hell up???

The short answer to this is: no.

The long answer is not quite so easy to answer.

While it's true that my Darling was one of the first muslims I knew irl and that he plays a huge role in how I ended up coming to islam, there was never any idea that I would revert and run off with him into the sunset happily ever after. Instead, the truth is much more complex, and if I may say, extremely private. I know I'm not the only revert who hates born muslims and non-muslims alike asking for my revert story, and I've actually made it a point not to tell it to anyone except for fellow revert friends (after knowing them for a bit). My Darling was also one of the first people I told when I reverted and I still remember the fear and anxiety that was flowing through me while I sat next to him at lunch trying to figure out how to bring it up and scared of how he would react (spoiler alert: he treated it like I'd just told him something as boring as "I'm bored" or "what's for lunch?"), as well as the relief when he simply accepted me.

The next few months was more than a bit confusing as I tried to adjust to my new life (despite trying to live as halal as possible for a few months prior, I was massively under-prepared), but the one thing that was comforting and always present was my Darling doing everything from showing me the correct way to pray to teaching me islamic signs in his native pakistani sign language and the other things people would never imagine or guess. I don't think anyone would ever guess it was my Darling who taught me how to wrap a hijab (though very poorly and extremely dated hahaha) by watching hijab tutorials online and then using them to try to teach me. Sometimes when I'm alone and feeling nostalgic, I'll wrap my hijab like he taught me and it makes my chest tighten and feel loved all over. I still remember him teaching me how to check if food was halal or not, as well as telling me that we should just assume that meat is halal as long as it doesn't contain any pork. I think there was no way I would ever be able to love someone as much as I love him, but at the same time, I didn't see him as anything more than an uncle-figure.

For a while, I was wondering how I would find a possible partner, since the only muslim man I knew was my Darling, but even when we got more muslim co-workers, this was still a big problem since I didn't get along with any of the men nor did I like their traits or personality. After about a year of this, I started to tell myself that there was no way I would ever get married or even date since no one even measured up to my Darling, both in compatibility, personality and religiously. If I'm being honest, I don't really know exactly how it happened. It was like one day, he was just my Uncle and the next day, I saw him at work and he had changed and was extremely handsome and lovely, kind of like when Retsuko falls in love with The Out of Pocket Prince in Aggretsuko and everything just changes.
This is legit what happened. Pink rainbows and all.
Although I had these new feelings for him, I wasn't sure what exactly to do. It was around this time that he came out of a very abusive marriage and was very hurt and depressed and I knew I had to push my feelings aside and be there for my friend who had been there and supported me for so long. We started to spend more time together and started messaging each other back and forth as well as sending weird/funny videos to each other on messenger, and while I think anyone with a brain would've been able to figure out what was happening, I was convinced that he only saw me as a friend and therefore kept my feelings hidden for what felt like an eternity. Finally, after three years of hiding how I felt for him, I decided I couldn't hold these feelings in anymore and told him how I felt and was surprised/relieved when he confessed that he'd been in love with me for a long time too, but had hidden his feelings since he thought I only saw him as a friend too.

It's been almost two years since then and people always tell me we act like an old married couple that's been together forever and I have to agree; when I think that it's only been a little less than two years together, it seems really bonkers. It seems like all the things we've been through and experienced together could only have happened in five or even ten years, but two? Impossible.

My Darling has been there for me through all the ups and downs, both emotional and financial as well as work-related, and he's always been my rock πŸ’πŸ’πŸ’ Whenever I need someone strong, he's strong as a mountain and protects me, and when I need someone to listen to me and comfort me, he's soft and understanding and more than anything anyone in the past has ever been. It still amazes me that I've been blessed with such a wonderful and amazing partner and I thank Allah (swt) everyday that we're together.

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